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3 Board Games Definitely Not for the Kids

Being an adult can sometimes feel like one long, exhausting role-playing game. We spend hours every day playing some constrained version of ourselves, be it the kid-friendly persona, the professional persona, the “good neighbor” persona, or any number of other roles we take on. But only seldomly, either alone or with our closest friends, do we ever truly let out hair down, shed our inhibitions, and just let our inner weirdo come roaring out. These games are precisely for those moments, when you and your friends want to shed adult responsibilities and celebrate that freedom in a very adult way.

Sin Pit: Erection of the Golden Nipple – Kickstarter

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Sin Pit is a dungeon crawl albeit through a very different kind of dungeon. Essentially an even hornier version of The Hunger Games, 1 to 4 players will battle it out for the amusement of debaucherous demon spectators in a fleshy, moist, and modular dungeon as they search for the only way out: The Golden Nipple.

The dungeon itself is a living thing with an excess of erogenous zones which must be “attended to” if players wish to proceed. Scattered across the various dungeon tiles are nipples which, when stimulated properly, will reward characters with new rooms, cash, hellish sponsorship rewards, and a nipple token. More rooms mean more chances of finding a gem dispenser, and it’s only when a player has purchased four different gems that The Golden Nipple will reveal itself. Get a little too rough though, and you’ll trigger an event. These are always bad and can include extra monsters, digestive enzymes, or the giant Sin Pit parasite known as Big Mamma.

I hope Hell has lotion because soft hands are going to be important.
Trademarks and visuals belong to their rightful owners.

More rooms aren’t always a good thing, though. In addition to nipples, each room has at least 1, *ahem*, “valve” which will periodically release monsters such as the depraved Pleasure Servants or the vicious Vaginaraptors. Slay these beasts with weapons like “Anal Bead Nunchucks” or the mighty “Sexcalibur” in order to earn additional money for the gem dispensers and avoid getting knocked out of the game.

You don’t want to get caught by the Vaginaraptor. Or maybe you do. You do you, friend.
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Once a player has earned enough gems to summon The Golden Nipple, the race is on. Any player with four gems who reaches The Golden Nipple may attempt to stimulate it and escape, though this is no average, run-of-the-mill nipple and will need some extra finesse. Players who have already gotten in a bit of practice and gathered nipple tokens will have an easier time of it than those players who didn’t get as much practice. But if you’ve got the magic touch, then you’re free and the winner of Sin Pit.

Deeldo – Kickstarter

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Need a gift for an upcoming stag party or hen do? Or looking for the perfect way to let your boss know just how you feel about them? Then this is your game. Deeldo is a bit like Cryptozoic’s Epic Spell Wars of the Battle Wizards: simple, goofy, and irreverent, but utilizing a very different kind of wand.

Like Epic Spell Wars, the game consists of cards with interconnecting art which can be strung together to create a complete picture. But in Deeldo, you’re not trying to create spells of obliteration but rather objects of titillation.

“Wow, Grandma, that’s a lot of points!” is something you will never say while playing this game.
Trademarks and visuals belong to their rightful owners.

This game for 2 to 8 players is very simple which is smart because I can’t imagine it ever being played without at least some alcohol involved. Each card in the game consists of a dildo component: a base, shaft, or head. Each turn, players can either draw 2 cards or take all dildo parts of the same color from the discard pile. They must then try to build as many complete dildos as possible, starting with a base, ending with a head, and with as many shafts in the middle as possible. But keep in mind that some components have structural enhancements, such as ribs or the ability to vibrate, which will add extra points. And if all of your components have the same property or are the same color, you’ll get even more points. Games are fast and end when someone has completed 4 dildos. So, and I never thought I’d say this, be strategic with your dildos.

The Bottle Game – Kickstarter

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“Spin the Bottle” is a staple of high school parties thrown by nervous, hormonally-imbalanced teens around the world. Some of you are probably getting sweaty palms just thinking about it. If the thought of kissing a random stranger still makes you too nervous, then you might want to stop now because this updated version is definitely assuming that the kids are all grown up. Before we go any further, it needs to be made clear that this game is meant to be played only by consenting adults. Remember, it’s not a game if someone’s not having fun.

The upgraded bottle. Because it’s a classy game.
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The premise of The Bottle Game remains the same as the original. But that beer bottle you got from your older sister has been replaced with a bottle-shaped spinner. And instead of trying to aim it at your high school crush, each of the 2 to 6 players is assigned colored tokens which are placed around the spinner in each of the 5 action zones. If the “bottle” lands on one of your tokens, then you must perform the action in that token’s zone. A “Physical” challenge might be arm wrestling while someone tickles you. Or you could find yourself in a “Drink” challenge (again, adults only), trying to drink with no hands. From here, the challenges become much more intimate so make sure that all potential players know what they’re in for. That’s because a “Strip” challenge will cause you to lose an article of clothing (make sure to accessorize) and a “Hot” card will always involve some sort of seductive dare. Then there are the “Kama” cards which will have players trying to recreate some of the most physically demanding poses in that oldest of boudoir books. If at any point a challenge exceeds your comfort zone, you can cash in 1 of your 3 Safe Coins to opt out of a challenge without losing. After that, denying a challenge will cause you to lose the game. And if somehow this base game becomes too boring, there are 5 variations of the game that are also included.

A very interesting evening in the making.
Trademarks and visuals belong to their rightful owners.

And if anyone is feeling guilty about wanting to purchase this game, take comfort in the fact that the publisher, Ludocards, takes great pains to be as eco-friendly as possible. Their production facilities in Italy are 100% solar-powered and all of their cards are made from 100% recycled materials printed with food-grade ink. So in fact, this “dirty” game is as clean as they come.

by Zane Messina

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